You see the memes on social media, you’ve heard the jokes about how — to be true to the experience of the game Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Theives should have ended about halfway through and the audience should have to wait through repeated re-schedulings to see the end. It’s funny. It’s also true.

Having been gaming for about 40 (man, I’m old!) years, one thing that has set my groups apart is that everyone usually commits to being there once a week. (Some groups, for a while, were meeting two to three times a week. We had no life.) That doesn’t mean that people canceled out for illness, or a special event, or what have you; but that the remainder of the group met to do something while that player was out. Sometimes it’s a board game night. Sometimes it’s movie night. Sometimes a cook-out or something social but not gaming. (Invite the significant others and family!)

So, I’ve been particularly lucky that this hobby has been a consistent and comforting norm throughout much of my life — even during my military service. International pandemic? Fuck that — it’s nerd night Thursday!

However, this summer has seen the steady encroachment of “other things” into nerd night. Work trips — unavoidable, yes; but there’s been a lot of them as every workplace seems to think they’ve got to “make up for time lost” wasting your time at conferences. Vacations — understandable. Vacationing over the last few years, unless you went to Florida (where the freedom is), was a bust. You want to make up for lost time. It got to the point where at least one of the group was out every single damned week of the summer.

We have a few techniques we use to get around the “X is gone this week” — someone else plays the missing person’s character if they are essential (or can’t just disappear for a time); the GM can run them although I’ve always found this can get tricky if the character gets killed (or you have to obviously fudge it); you can play a different game. We tend to rotate what we play on a semi-regular basis, so there’s usually a game and plot waiting where we can do a one-shot or add the missing player back in later.

Keep the momentum and the schedule going.

This is important for very simple human behavior reasons. Once something (or someone) slides out of a priority for a person, they tend to sideline it. As time goes on, it gets easier to replace that commitment with something or someone else novel. Eventually, you stop showing up. Friendships and hobbies, like any habit, survive on repetition. Break that chain and it’s harder and harder to weld it back together.

In our case, the last three to four months of vacation/work travel/illness has led to one of the core players — one that’s been consistent for 18 years (!) — to be out. A lot. The most recent call out is instructive. He’s off to GenCon last week, had work travel in the first week of August, but he was in this week…until a last minute call out to go to a concert. This is what I mean. Normally, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but after having screwed up the group and our scheduling most of the summer, this last minute call-out between call-outs is what I mean. It’s easier. Hey, come on, it’s no big deal; I’ve only canceled on you guys most of the summer.

And he’s right: it’s not a big deal. It’s a hobby, not a job…but it’s also friendships that have obviously become less important over time. The socializing outside of gaming for this one has been steadily on the decline to the point I still invite him and his significant other…but more to be polite. I know they’re not coming. (I’ve heard this a lot more from other friends talking about their interactions with their friends and families over the last three years. The global lockdowns destroyed a lot of people’s social lives.)

A few weeks before this last minute blow-off, I’d even asked if he wanted to quit or take a break (which is the same thing…) and was told “no, I’ve just been busy…” Well, we’re all busy. I work two jobs most of the year, am a parent with a spouse that needs attention, as well; and I have other friends and hobbies. I prioritize the game because I prioritize the people. I could go motorcycle or shoot with buddies. I could write more. I have a bunch of stuff to do, but I like my friends and this is our main (but not only) bond.

This is one of the reasons why game groups need to be friends. If you don’t see each other outside of the game — there’s really nothing there. Without that connection, things will inevitably draw a group apart. When you have that, the consistency flows; when you don’t…